You could say we were destined to meet. I knew this day was coming. Slowly I could feel my sixth sense or my inner sense telling me to look for someone or something incredibly fantastic. Little did I know what I was getting into. And little did I know how much my brain would fight me.

I still can feel my brain telling me it is not worth it. I could be doing other things that would be much more fun. Remember all that we did a few months ago. You were so relaxed and content. Life was easy. Life was good. Your life is fine. There is no need to search for anything.

Yes those were the messages in my head. And I was listening to them. And even today I was listening to them. The voices were slowly creeping forward trying to take over my life again. And I almost let them win.

I made a mistake. I accepted what I did in the past was still ok in the present. But where I am at right now I don’t need to take a trip down memory lane. But I did. I justified this to myself. Or let’s just say the voices justified it for me. Telling me that it was ok for me to do the things that I once did. I could still do everything else. It will be ok.

But it won’t be ok. Those voices in my head are like weeds in a garden. They choke the life out of other plants. The voices were choking all the wonderful things I was doing. This week has been a pretty good week. I have been researching and writing. It is amazing how easy it is for the words to flow. When I write my head feels clear and centered. I haven’t felt this way in a long long time. And I like the feeling.

Instead of writing my thoughts and feelings I could be in a chat room looking for affirmation. That “ding” of a notification that someone wants to chat with me. I exist because I received a chat notification. That is so messed up 

I have said this in the past. I like being by myself but I don’t want to be alone. I do need the affirmation. Everyone needs to be recognized. I exist! I am here! Why is it so hard to talk with people? No that is not the question. Why do people leave me alone? 

Do I need a constant human connection? No. That would drive me crazy to have someone constantly with me. Someone who is always talking to me. Someone who has to be a part of everything I do everyday.

But where is the balance? I don’t have that yet. I crave attention. I am not like a spoiled two year old. And God forbid I am constantly the center of attraction. That would drive me up the wall. But I don’t want to be alone. 

And I am finding out that I am not ready for a relationship. I can’t share my life with someone. But isn’t that what I am looking for? Maybe it is not the sharing. Maybe I just can’t open up to someone. Maybe I don’t want to reveal who I am. Maybe I am afraid to reveal who I am. Maybe I don’t know who I am. 

Wow… I don’t know who I am. All these years I have been living a lie? That doesn’t sound right. If I have been living a lie and I was basically happy, then what was the trigger? What caused me to question my existence? 

To be continued…