Panic attacks are not fun. It is a strain on both your body and your mind. It seems like everything is hopeless and there is nothing you can do to fix it. Your heart starts pounding faster and faster. You feel like all the blood is rushing from your head. You are light headed and dizzy. Your skin feels clammy. If you look in a mirror, you would be pale as a ghost. You feel trapped. There is no place to run. Survival mode kicks in. It is a fight or flight moment. Yes, panic attacks are not fun.

And I had one today. 

So the biggest thing you need to do first is recognize and accept you are having a panic. Don’t push it off as stress. Stress and anxiety are two different things and treated in two different ways. Yes, you are having a panic attack. I accept that fact. Now what?

I am lucky enough to be under a doctor’s care. I have a prescription I could take that will help me relax and calm down. It doesn’t happen instantly. But in a little while after I take my medication, I can feel more relaxed. I can focus on myself. I calm down.

But it is more than just taking a pill. It’s figuring out why you had the panic attack. What were you doing when the attack started? Was something said? Did you read something? Did you have an encounter with someone? Is there an event that is going to happen later in the day that has you worrying to the point of having a panic attack?

For me the first thing I thought was the upcoming music gig I was to play in. That could very well be it. I have had attacks before I went on stage. But not as bad as today’s attack. Everyone gets nervous before a performance. And sometimes it is good to be nervous. That small bit of anxiety keeps you on your toes. You need some anxiety and stress in your life. But you don’t need full blown panic attacks where your whole life just stops.

Ok so you are performing today. Should that be a big deal? You have been practicing. You know your part. You have been playing the same songs over and over. You know how the songs go. You know the arrangements. You wrote the arrangements. You know every part that is being played.

Bingo! You know every part that is being played. So you worry about the other band members? Will they come in on time? Will they play in tune? Will they blend with all the other parts?

Stop right there. I have some of the best musicians playing this gig. They have played this music just as many times as I have. They practice too. So is it a trust issue? No, I trust everyone in the band. There is no need to worry.

Ok then is it where I am performing? The band is performing at a nursing home. Specifically a memory care center. These people just want to be entertained. They want to have fun. They want something different to do. And for most of the residents, they won’t remember any of this the next day. I know that sounds cold but I went through that with my mom.

So is it really the performance later today? Maybe I need to dig deeper. Ok what is happening around the house? Could it be my environment? Could it be the people I am sharing my house with?

Bingo I had an “aha” moment. I think the anxiety could be with my son. I think some of his actions affect me. I can’t control his actions. He is an adult. He is responsible for himself. But there are times I have to be careful what I say. Or there are times I just need to walk away and say nothing. The thing that most bothers me is that the mood swing can change in an instant. One minute he is happy. The next minute he is angry and mad at the world. Everyone is against him and he can’t live the life he wants. And he will not do anything about this behavior. So it is up to me to learn to cope with it. I need to have the tools on hand and know how to use them.

I know this will take time. I don’t expect to change overnight. And for now I do have my medication to fall back on. But I don’t want my medication to become a crutch. And that is where my therapy will help. I am just starting. It is going to take time. 

So do I feel better? Yes I do a little. I am finding journaling does help. I think journaling releases the bonds that anxiety has on me. Journaling also releases my emotions. Before I held everything in. And that is not good.

So is the panic attack gone? I think so.I do feel better. 

To be continued…