Dear Shirley,
I am writing this with a heavy heart that feels as cold and brittle as the December ice. My loving husband, who was the light of our little family, was taken from us recently in the terrible fighting in Korea. I am a single mother now to two sweet children—our boy is six and our little girl is four.
Christmas is nearly upon us, and instead of joy, there is only sorrow in our home. My children, who miss their daddy so terribly, have turned against everything that is Christmas. They hate Christmas carols, they hate when the neighbors decorate their houses with Christmas lights and a Christmas tree, and they absolutely despise the very idea of Santa Claus. All they want, all they ask for, is for their daddy to come home.
It is their questions that hurt me worst of all. They ask me, “If God is good, why did He take Daddy to Heaven?” and “Why can’t Santa bring Daddy back for Christmas?” I don’t know how to explain such a cruel loss to such young, innocent minds. I am ashamed to say that I, too, feel a deep resentment. Every time I turn on the radio or look at an advertisement, I see happy, complete families, and it only deepens my own misery. Shirley, how can I possibly help my babies understand this loss, and how can I bring the Christmas spirit back into their hearts, and into my own?
Heartbroken Mom
Dear Heartbroken Mom,
Please, dry those tears and know that you are not alone. The shadow of war has fallen over so many homes this year, and you are carrying a burden of sorrow and confusion that would stagger the strongest of women. There is absolutely no shame in your feelings of resentment and despair. Grief is a heavy cloak, my dear, and it is darkest during the times when the world seems determined to be bright.
First, you must understand that your children are not being naughty or hateful—they are simply hurting. A six-year-old and a four-year-old cannot yet grasp the complex ideas of life, death, and duty. To them, the magic of Christmas and the power of God should be able to solve their biggest problem, which is Daddy’s absence. When they see that Christmas cannot perform this miracle, they reject it.
Here is my sincere advice for you and your two little angels:
For Their Understanding:
Be Honest and Gentle: Do not use vague terms like “Daddy went to sleep.” Your children need to know the truth: that Daddy was a brave soldier who died, and his body can no longer be with them, but his love and spirit are still here.
Heaven is a Place of Honor: When they ask why God took him, tell them that God needed the very best, strongest, and kindest of men for a special, important job in Heaven. Your husband gave his life serving his country; you can honor that by teaching your children that he is a hero watching over them.
Create a New Tradition of Remembrance: This year, Christmas cannot be what it was, so do not try to force it. Instead, dedicate a small part of the day to their father. Perhaps you can let the children write a letter to their Daddy and attach it to a balloon to send “up to Heaven.” Or, perhaps you can hang a special, new ornament—a “Daddy’s Star”—high on the tree, and explain that it represents the star he is watching you from. Remembrance is not a rejection of joy; it is a sacred part of it.
For Your Christmas Spirit:
Do Not Retreat: You must resist the temptation to watch the happy families on television and compare your life to theirs. Their happiness is real, but so is your suffering. This year, you are not meant to be a part of the noisy joy. You are meant to be a part of the quiet, loving comfort that this season also holds.
Focus on Giving, Not Receiving: The truest spirit of Christmas is in the act of kindness and service. You cannot afford an extravagant Christmas, but you and the children can afford time. Find a simple way to help others less fortunate—bake cookies for an elderly neighbor, or donate a few old toys to the local orphanage. When your children see that they can bring a smile to someone else’s face, the healing will begin. They will feel their own importance and their own power to be a light in the darkness.
Start Small: Perhaps this year, you put away the tinsel and the big ornaments. Get a small, simple pine branch or a sprig of holly, and decorate it with only the “Daddy’s Star” and maybe a few candles. Start small, dear. The Spirit will grow back, little by little, in the quiet, and it will be stronger because it will be rooted in love and memory.
Your dear husband is at peace, and he would want you to find yours, not for his sake, but for your own and for your children. Cling to the faith that he is waiting for you all, and that the greatest gift you can give him is to raise his children in love and light.
God bless you, and may a deep peace find its way into your home this Christmas season.
Shirley
