It really wasn’t that much of a surprise. You could see it coming from last night. It really did not look good and a part of the world just stopped breathing. It was like a gut punch you were not prepared for. And for a brief moment, darkness consumed me.

That was the night before. I thought this is it. The end of my chance at happiness. I would once again be living in a drab and colorless world. I would be alone and unloved. Fear, hatred and distrust would be the emotions of the future. 

It’s the end of the world…

Wait a second. Where is this all coming from? Where are all these depressing thoughts coming from? This isn’t me. Why am I being sucked into this dank dark hell? How much does this really affect my life?

It doesn’t…

My life goes on. I woke up this morning and the sun was shining. I felt good. I had a good night’s sleep. I got myself ready and went downstairs and had a nice breakfast. I listened to some music and looked at my calendar to see what I had planned for the day. It was a typical ordinary day. I was happy.

So I am doing my own thing. I am reading and writing. I will be working on music and setting up the music room for the next practice. Nothing has changed in my life. I am doing what I want and I am happy. 

I have no control over the events that shape our world. I only have control over my life. I have control over my thoughts, my stories from the past, my experiences from the past. I choose what to let in and what to release. I choose what is important to me and what I can let go.

I choose my happiness over everything else. Life will go on. It always does. There will be events that will shape and change the future. I may have to adjust my lifestyle. I may have to think outside the box. 

I will have to stop listening to the noise…

I need to turn off the external noises. Last night I let the external noises consume me. I let the noises control the way I thought. I let the external noises dictate how my life was going to be from this day forward. And everything was negative.

I fell asleep depressed, upset and scared. I let the noises win.

Then the sun came up to remind me that the world is still here and that I am an important part of this world. If I didn’t exist, the world would be short of one unique individual. I play a part in this world. I matter and I have to make the most of my life.

And the world wants me to be happy.

So today I turned off the noises. And to the best of my ability I will keep them off. I will live happy and content in a world that loves and appreciates me. Now you may think I am sticking my head in the sand like an ostrich. But I am not. I am contributing to this world in my own special unique way.

And I am happy.

To be continued…

Well as the song says “Have you been naughty or nice?

This week has been a roller coaster of emotions. Today I found myself crying. Crying about my son. I don’t want him to leave me. He has been my rock. He may not think so, but he has. He has been there when I needed the most help. Yes he has his own issues and problems, but he sets them aside to help me. I love him.

Like I said this has been an interesting week. I was dreading the thought of breaking up with a woman I was dating. She was very nice but she just didn’t fit in. She was practical and logical. She didn’t know how to laugh. Everything had to make sense and she researched the hell out of everything. She wasn’t a good fit for me. And she fell in love with me way too fast. Well I figured the time had come for me to call her and say this isn’t going to work. I was dreading this phone call. But I wasn’t having a panic attack. This was something that had to be done and my mind knew that and wasn’t going to mess with my feelings.

Now before I go on I want to say that I do believe in God. I am not a religious person. You will not see me at church every Sunday. And I won’t get started on organized religion. That is another post at another time. But I do believe in a higher power. And I do believe there are spirits or guardian angels or whatever you want to call them watching over you and me. 

I never had to make the phone call. She texted me. She figured she got the message from my lack of response from her previous texts, that I want to be left alone. She wished me well in my recovery and said she will leave me alone.

YES!! I mean I shouldn’t be jumping up and down with joy. A person has a broken heart and is sad. A relationship has ended. But YES!! I didn’t break up with her. She broke up with me. Someone up there in the spirit world had my back. Someone up there knew everything I was going through and made this as painless as possible for me. I did feel sad but I knew this was the right thing to do.

I also had a gig to play on Tuesday. It was at a memory care center. I have talked about this in previous posts. Well everything was going well with the preparation. I knew what sound equipment I needed to bring. I sent out a set list and I was practicing my parts. The only conflict I had was with a vocalist. She was texting me and letting me know that she is fighting a cold and she wasn’t sure if she could perform. I said fine and take care of yourself and keep me posted. I was not going to tell her not to sing. She needed to tell me. She kept texting me how she felt and it would be a day by day basis. Well Tuesday came and I did not hear from her. She didn’t text me. I did my thing at home. I practiced and packed my car up with the sound equipment and went to the gig.

The vocalist never showed up. I asked a group member to send a text out to the vocalist. She replied that she was still sick and was sleeping all day and was sorry she did not send a text to me. 

The gig went well. We improvised the set list and our audience was very happy with our performance. One thing we did discover was how relaxed we were when we played. There was this closeness with one another. We were a complete group. It was fun. And that is the most important thing when playing music and performing in front of an audience. You need to have fun and let the audience see that. 

The next day I had to let that vocalist go. I am not a person who enjoys confrontation. I had to let other people go from the group and it ate me up inside. I did not want to do this. I would rather have another person from the group do this. But this is my group and it was my responsibility. So I wrote up a text and sent it to another member of the group for their thoughts and suggestions. It was good as it was and with much hesitation and fear of confrontation I sent it to the vocalist.

Once again my guardian angel had my back. I did get a reply. She apologized for not texting me. She understood where I was coming from. And she said she said she didn’t think she was a good fit for the group.

YES!!

Then today I was at City Hall for early voting. I was going to skip it today but for some reason this voice was telling me that I needed to go and I needed to go now. And I did. I voted and it felt good. But there was more. I met my neighbor there. And we talked. I finally got the chance to say thank you for everything he has done to help me. And how much I do appreciate his help. It meant a lot to me. I think he was taken aback. Then he said if I needed help with the leaves to let him know.I didn’t have to let him know. As I am typing this post he is out there blowing the leaves into a nice pile for me to bag. I am so lucky to have good neighbors.

Well that is pretty much it for this week. The weather should be nice this weekend. The remaining tasks will get done. And there will be a dinner celebration!

To be continued…

Panic attacks are not fun. It is a strain on both your body and your mind. It seems like everything is hopeless and there is nothing you can do to fix it. Your heart starts pounding faster and faster. You feel like all the blood is rushing from your head. You are light headed and dizzy. Your skin feels clammy. If you look in a mirror, you would be pale as a ghost. You feel trapped. There is no place to run. Survival mode kicks in. It is a fight or flight moment. Yes, panic attacks are not fun.

And I had one today. 

So the biggest thing you need to do first is recognize and accept you are having a panic. Don’t push it off as stress. Stress and anxiety are two different things and treated in two different ways. Yes, you are having a panic attack. I accept that fact. Now what?

I am lucky enough to be under a doctor’s care. I have a prescription I could take that will help me relax and calm down. It doesn’t happen instantly. But in a little while after I take my medication, I can feel more relaxed. I can focus on myself. I calm down.

But it is more than just taking a pill. It’s figuring out why you had the panic attack. What were you doing when the attack started? Was something said? Did you read something? Did you have an encounter with someone? Is there an event that is going to happen later in the day that has you worrying to the point of having a panic attack?

For me the first thing I thought was the upcoming music gig I was to play in. That could very well be it. I have had attacks before I went on stage. But not as bad as today’s attack. Everyone gets nervous before a performance. And sometimes it is good to be nervous. That small bit of anxiety keeps you on your toes. You need some anxiety and stress in your life. But you don’t need full blown panic attacks where your whole life just stops.

Ok so you are performing today. Should that be a big deal? You have been practicing. You know your part. You have been playing the same songs over and over. You know how the songs go. You know the arrangements. You wrote the arrangements. You know every part that is being played.

Bingo! You know every part that is being played. So you worry about the other band members? Will they come in on time? Will they play in tune? Will they blend with all the other parts?

Stop right there. I have some of the best musicians playing this gig. They have played this music just as many times as I have. They practice too. So is it a trust issue? No, I trust everyone in the band. There is no need to worry.

Ok then is it where I am performing? The band is performing at a nursing home. Specifically a memory care center. These people just want to be entertained. They want to have fun. They want something different to do. And for most of the residents, they won’t remember any of this the next day. I know that sounds cold but I went through that with my mom.

So is it really the performance later today? Maybe I need to dig deeper. Ok what is happening around the house? Could it be my environment? Could it be the people I am sharing my house with?

Bingo I had an “aha” moment. I think the anxiety could be with my son. I think some of his actions affect me. I can’t control his actions. He is an adult. He is responsible for himself. But there are times I have to be careful what I say. Or there are times I just need to walk away and say nothing. The thing that most bothers me is that the mood swing can change in an instant. One minute he is happy. The next minute he is angry and mad at the world. Everyone is against him and he can’t live the life he wants. And he will not do anything about this behavior. So it is up to me to learn to cope with it. I need to have the tools on hand and know how to use them.

I know this will take time. I don’t expect to change overnight. And for now I do have my medication to fall back on. But I don’t want my medication to become a crutch. And that is where my therapy will help. I am just starting. It is going to take time. 

So do I feel better? Yes I do a little. I am finding journaling does help. I think journaling releases the bonds that anxiety has on me. Journaling also releases my emotions. Before I held everything in. And that is not good.

So is the panic attack gone? I think so.I do feel better. 

To be continued…

I have a right to write. I have a right to do a lot of things. Some of those rights are just inherent while others I have earned. Basically I can do anything I want as long as it is legal. So what is going on with me today? Today has been an unusual day. I think a lot started last night when I was sleeping. I was having some very weird dreams. It dealt with everything from High School to my career in IT. The weird thing about it was that my dreams were causing a panic attack. I got up in the middle of the night wondering if I needed to take my meds. Now yes you could say I was having nightmares and I just woke up too fast and was too disoriented. This led to a panic of not knowing where I was and knowing if I was safe. But this was the first time I ever felt panic while I was sleeping.

I really wanted to write about this. But once again those memories are a distant faded past. I cannot recall any details. What if this happens again? Will they be the same dreams or different dreams? Will they induce a panic attack? Will I remember? 

The rest of the day is moving along smoothly. Well at least for me. There was some excitement last night. Some tears and some anger. It didn’t last all that long and it really didn’t concern me. All I know is that I had a perfectly great Sunday. It was a beautiful Fall day. Sunshine and warm temperatures. Perfect day to work outside and get those last outside tasks done before winter.

Everything was going smoothly.

One thing I did notice was every football and baseball game I watched on television did not end the way I expected. Let’s just say if I was a gambler, I would have lost my shirt and I would be eating beans and rice for the next month. Maybe I was just rooting for the underdog too much yesterday. But I love to root for the underdog. I love to be the underdog. 

The other thing too is now I am questioning if routines are allowed time off on the weekends. I mean Monday through Friday I am developing a routine which includes reading, writing, reflection and meditation. This is all experimental and I have been tweaking what I do and when I do it. But I didn’t do anything close to my routine on Sunday. I worked outside and then watched television. It got boring. I fell asleep watching television. I was bored. I should have been doing something else. I could have been doing something more with my routine.

Maybe this is what sparked those nightmares I had. Could I be punishing myself for doing something that wasn’t productive? Do I always need to be productive? What about all the outside tasks I did? I mean they are not part of my routine. Those tasks were something I set time to do. It wasn’t really freetime. If this was freetime I would have certainly been doing something more fun.

I think I am getting too much into the details. And accomplishments are accomplishments. It does not matter if it is part of a routine. I should be happy I got done with everything I did outside on Sunday.

I think what I am trying to say is that yes I do have a right to write. But I shouldn’t let that right consume me to a point that I put myself on guilt trips for not being at my computer writing blog posts every single day. It’s ok not to write or read or be creative. Sometimes you just need to put your imagination on hold. It’s ok.

To be continued…

Pastor Dzef takes you into a language adventure. Learn Polish and sing along with the Lupinska sisters at the Royal VFW. Use these words in your English conversations and eventually you will become bi-lingual. Practice along with the Royal community. Watch for upcoming Polish language summer camps, Polish story time at the Royal Library and the Kielbasa eating contest at the Lunch Box Cafe

Today’s Word: Proszę

Proszę (prohshze) – Please

Example:

Pass the salt, proszę.

Shut the hell up! Proszę!

Yesterday I received a package from an old friend I went to religion class with. Back then every Tuesday afternoon we would walk to Mary Queen of Heaven Church and sit for an hour with Sister Fatima and learn how to make ourselves better Catholic boys and girls.

In honor of Sister Fatima and all the nuns at Mary Queen of Heaven who had to put up with all our jokes and pranks . . . I present the following as suggestions to parents who have to deal with the everlasting energy of children:

Considerata — or what goes around, comes around.

Step gently over the legos and crayons and rest assured there is never enough toilet paper.

Speak clearly and directly. Accept the truth that your kid’s hearing is subjective and random.

Never compare your childhood to your kids. It is a vain and futile discussion.

Enjoy your accomplishments as well as your dreams.

Exercise caution with homework assignments, for your kid’s teachers know more than you. But let this not depress you. You are not the weakest link.

Be yourself. For you are heroes to your kids. Even after all the disagreements, they will come running to you when they are hurt.

Do not joke about boyfriends and girlfriends – nor be cynical about the gossip at recess. For it is as perennial as Parent/Teacher conferences.

Take kindly to growing old for your kids will remind you countless times. Gracefully surrender the things of your youth – free time, the phone . . . the car.

For whatever your dreams or aspirations in your life are, always remember you can freeze Girl Scout cookies.

I am the father of angels.
Not unlike the kid I was.
And whether or not I can open the door.
Your room is still a mess.

Therefore, be at peace with your kids — no matter how long they hog the bathroom.

Amid all the noise and confusion, their answer is always the same…

“I dont know.”

To be continued . . .

It was the knock out punch that did it. The next thing I remembered was all these strange people looking at me as I was fluttering my eyes open. They just stared in amazement. No one said a word. But I could hear a lot going on in my head. I was confused. I tried to sit up but the people held me down. The only message I could understand was a voice telling me to just lay down and wait for help to arrive.

I tried to turn my head from side to side to see where I was but the strangers standing around me blocked my view. And the pain in my neck was intense. So I just laid there looking upward into nothing. The strangers seem to be fading away. I felt like I was floating. Almost as if I was on a calm lake. I could feel the small ripples move under my body. I was moving. But to where I don’t know. All I knew was that I was content and happy. I smiled and closed my eyes and floated away.

The phone rang and it startled me. My eyes opened wide. I felt like I fell twenty feet smack into my office chair. I looked around. I was home. I was in my office. I still felt disoriented. I felt like I was torn away from someone or someplace. The phone was still ringing. I answered it. It was a reminder of an upcoming doctor’s appointment. I was angry and hung up on the pre recorded message.

What just happened? Was it a dream? I tried to recall all the details. I took some paper and jotted down some notes but my memory faded faster than I could write. All I could remember was floating on a lake and voices whispering in my head. I couldn’t remember what they said. All I remembered was that I was happy. Happy beyond any happiness I encountered in my lifetime.

And I wanted to go back. I really wanted to go back.

I decided to go for a walk. The cool fall air felt good. And the sunshine warmed my soul. I do love a nice autumn day. The leaves were changing color. The bright red maple leaves provided an amazing contrast to the drabness of some of the houses on the block. I kept walking. I tried to imagine the interior of each house I walked past. I know that sounds weird. I have talked with several of my neighbors and just said hi in passing to a few others as they were walking their dogs. From their personalities or just a gut feeling I had, I visualized what their homes looked like. Why was I thinking like this? I don’t know. Maybe I was justifying the way my house looked. Why would I have to justify that? My house is my house and the way I want it to look is nobody’s business but mine.

Wait what has this got to do with my experience? What has this got to do with my dream? Where was I and who were all those people looking at me? I stopped at the corner. I looked in both directions before crossing the street. I felt the breeze on my face and looked up at the sky and smiled.

It was the knock out punch that did it. The next thing I remembered was all these strange people looking at me as I was fluttering my eyes open. They just stared in amazement. No one said a word. But I could hear a lot going on in my head. I was confused. I tried to sit up but the people held me down. The only message I could understand was a voice telling me to just lay down and wait for help to arrive.

Then I heard the siren. I didn’t see the ambulance, but I did recognize the paramedics. I couldn’t move. I was on a backboard. I tried talking but was told to be quiet and that everything was all right. So I just laid there looking upward. The strangers seem to be fading away. I felt like I was floating. Almost as if I was on a calm lake. I could feel the small ripples move under my body. The ambulance door closed and I was headed to the emergency room. The next thing I remembered was waking up to the sound of a phone ringing.

To be continued…

Pastor Dzef takes you into a language adventure. Learn Polish and sing along with the Lupinska sisters at the Royal VFW. Use these words in your English conversations and eventually you will become bi-lingual. Practice along with the Royal community. Watch for upcoming Polish language summer camps, Polish story time at the Royal Library and the Kielbasa eating contest at the Lunch Box Cafe

Today’s Word: Cześć

Cześć (chesh) – Cześć is a casual greeting that’s commonly used to say “hi” or “bye” to friends and family.

Example:

Mark: Cześć Alice!

Alice: Cześć Mark! How are you?

Mark: I’m doing fine.

Alice: That’s good to hear Mark. Then I hope you don’t mind me telling you that I don’t appreciate you writing on the Men’s room wall at the Royal VFW – For a good time call Alice at BR5-6234. Drop Dead!!!  Cześć!

Mark: Cześć!