Category: Pastor Dzef

It really wasn’t that much of a surprise. You could see it coming from last night. It really did not look good and a part of the world just stopped breathing. It was like a gut punch you were not prepared for. And for a brief moment, darkness consumed me.

That was the night before. I thought this is it. The end of my chance at happiness. I would once again be living in a drab and colorless world. I would be alone and unloved. Fear, hatred and distrust would be the emotions of the future. 

It’s the end of the world…

Wait a second. Where is this all coming from? Where are all these depressing thoughts coming from? This isn’t me. Why am I being sucked into this dank dark hell? How much does this really affect my life?

It doesn’t…

My life goes on. I woke up this morning and the sun was shining. I felt good. I had a good night’s sleep. I got myself ready and went downstairs and had a nice breakfast. I listened to some music and looked at my calendar to see what I had planned for the day. It was a typical ordinary day. I was happy.

So I am doing my own thing. I am reading and writing. I will be working on music and setting up the music room for the next practice. Nothing has changed in my life. I am doing what I want and I am happy. 

I have no control over the events that shape our world. I only have control over my life. I have control over my thoughts, my stories from the past, my experiences from the past. I choose what to let in and what to release. I choose what is important to me and what I can let go.

I choose my happiness over everything else. Life will go on. It always does. There will be events that will shape and change the future. I may have to adjust my lifestyle. I may have to think outside the box. 

I will have to stop listening to the noise…

I need to turn off the external noises. Last night I let the external noises consume me. I let the noises control the way I thought. I let the external noises dictate how my life was going to be from this day forward. And everything was negative.

I fell asleep depressed, upset and scared. I let the noises win.

Then the sun came up to remind me that the world is still here and that I am an important part of this world. If I didn’t exist, the world would be short of one unique individual. I play a part in this world. I matter and I have to make the most of my life.

And the world wants me to be happy.

So today I turned off the noises. And to the best of my ability I will keep them off. I will live happy and content in a world that loves and appreciates me. Now you may think I am sticking my head in the sand like an ostrich. But I am not. I am contributing to this world in my own special unique way.

And I am happy.

To be continued…

Well as the song says “Have you been naughty or nice?

This week has been a roller coaster of emotions. Today I found myself crying. Crying about my son. I don’t want him to leave me. He has been my rock. He may not think so, but he has. He has been there when I needed the most help. Yes he has his own issues and problems, but he sets them aside to help me. I love him.

Like I said this has been an interesting week. I was dreading the thought of breaking up with a woman I was dating. She was very nice but she just didn’t fit in. She was practical and logical. She didn’t know how to laugh. Everything had to make sense and she researched the hell out of everything. She wasn’t a good fit for me. And she fell in love with me way too fast. Well I figured the time had come for me to call her and say this isn’t going to work. I was dreading this phone call. But I wasn’t having a panic attack. This was something that had to be done and my mind knew that and wasn’t going to mess with my feelings.

Now before I go on I want to say that I do believe in God. I am not a religious person. You will not see me at church every Sunday. And I won’t get started on organized religion. That is another post at another time. But I do believe in a higher power. And I do believe there are spirits or guardian angels or whatever you want to call them watching over you and me. 

I never had to make the phone call. She texted me. She figured she got the message from my lack of response from her previous texts, that I want to be left alone. She wished me well in my recovery and said she will leave me alone.

YES!! I mean I shouldn’t be jumping up and down with joy. A person has a broken heart and is sad. A relationship has ended. But YES!! I didn’t break up with her. She broke up with me. Someone up there in the spirit world had my back. Someone up there knew everything I was going through and made this as painless as possible for me. I did feel sad but I knew this was the right thing to do.

I also had a gig to play on Tuesday. It was at a memory care center. I have talked about this in previous posts. Well everything was going well with the preparation. I knew what sound equipment I needed to bring. I sent out a set list and I was practicing my parts. The only conflict I had was with a vocalist. She was texting me and letting me know that she is fighting a cold and she wasn’t sure if she could perform. I said fine and take care of yourself and keep me posted. I was not going to tell her not to sing. She needed to tell me. She kept texting me how she felt and it would be a day by day basis. Well Tuesday came and I did not hear from her. She didn’t text me. I did my thing at home. I practiced and packed my car up with the sound equipment and went to the gig.

The vocalist never showed up. I asked a group member to send a text out to the vocalist. She replied that she was still sick and was sleeping all day and was sorry she did not send a text to me. 

The gig went well. We improvised the set list and our audience was very happy with our performance. One thing we did discover was how relaxed we were when we played. There was this closeness with one another. We were a complete group. It was fun. And that is the most important thing when playing music and performing in front of an audience. You need to have fun and let the audience see that. 

The next day I had to let that vocalist go. I am not a person who enjoys confrontation. I had to let other people go from the group and it ate me up inside. I did not want to do this. I would rather have another person from the group do this. But this is my group and it was my responsibility. So I wrote up a text and sent it to another member of the group for their thoughts and suggestions. It was good as it was and with much hesitation and fear of confrontation I sent it to the vocalist.

Once again my guardian angel had my back. I did get a reply. She apologized for not texting me. She understood where I was coming from. And she said she said she didn’t think she was a good fit for the group.

YES!!

Then today I was at City Hall for early voting. I was going to skip it today but for some reason this voice was telling me that I needed to go and I needed to go now. And I did. I voted and it felt good. But there was more. I met my neighbor there. And we talked. I finally got the chance to say thank you for everything he has done to help me. And how much I do appreciate his help. It meant a lot to me. I think he was taken aback. Then he said if I needed help with the leaves to let him know.I didn’t have to let him know. As I am typing this post he is out there blowing the leaves into a nice pile for me to bag. I am so lucky to have good neighbors.

Well that is pretty much it for this week. The weather should be nice this weekend. The remaining tasks will get done. And there will be a dinner celebration!

To be continued…

Panic attacks are not fun. It is a strain on both your body and your mind. It seems like everything is hopeless and there is nothing you can do to fix it. Your heart starts pounding faster and faster. You feel like all the blood is rushing from your head. You are light headed and dizzy. Your skin feels clammy. If you look in a mirror, you would be pale as a ghost. You feel trapped. There is no place to run. Survival mode kicks in. It is a fight or flight moment. Yes, panic attacks are not fun.

And I had one today. 

So the biggest thing you need to do first is recognize and accept you are having a panic. Don’t push it off as stress. Stress and anxiety are two different things and treated in two different ways. Yes, you are having a panic attack. I accept that fact. Now what?

I am lucky enough to be under a doctor’s care. I have a prescription I could take that will help me relax and calm down. It doesn’t happen instantly. But in a little while after I take my medication, I can feel more relaxed. I can focus on myself. I calm down.

But it is more than just taking a pill. It’s figuring out why you had the panic attack. What were you doing when the attack started? Was something said? Did you read something? Did you have an encounter with someone? Is there an event that is going to happen later in the day that has you worrying to the point of having a panic attack?

For me the first thing I thought was the upcoming music gig I was to play in. That could very well be it. I have had attacks before I went on stage. But not as bad as today’s attack. Everyone gets nervous before a performance. And sometimes it is good to be nervous. That small bit of anxiety keeps you on your toes. You need some anxiety and stress in your life. But you don’t need full blown panic attacks where your whole life just stops.

Ok so you are performing today. Should that be a big deal? You have been practicing. You know your part. You have been playing the same songs over and over. You know how the songs go. You know the arrangements. You wrote the arrangements. You know every part that is being played.

Bingo! You know every part that is being played. So you worry about the other band members? Will they come in on time? Will they play in tune? Will they blend with all the other parts?

Stop right there. I have some of the best musicians playing this gig. They have played this music just as many times as I have. They practice too. So is it a trust issue? No, I trust everyone in the band. There is no need to worry.

Ok then is it where I am performing? The band is performing at a nursing home. Specifically a memory care center. These people just want to be entertained. They want to have fun. They want something different to do. And for most of the residents, they won’t remember any of this the next day. I know that sounds cold but I went through that with my mom.

So is it really the performance later today? Maybe I need to dig deeper. Ok what is happening around the house? Could it be my environment? Could it be the people I am sharing my house with?

Bingo I had an “aha” moment. I think the anxiety could be with my son. I think some of his actions affect me. I can’t control his actions. He is an adult. He is responsible for himself. But there are times I have to be careful what I say. Or there are times I just need to walk away and say nothing. The thing that most bothers me is that the mood swing can change in an instant. One minute he is happy. The next minute he is angry and mad at the world. Everyone is against him and he can’t live the life he wants. And he will not do anything about this behavior. So it is up to me to learn to cope with it. I need to have the tools on hand and know how to use them.

I know this will take time. I don’t expect to change overnight. And for now I do have my medication to fall back on. But I don’t want my medication to become a crutch. And that is where my therapy will help. I am just starting. It is going to take time. 

So do I feel better? Yes I do a little. I am finding journaling does help. I think journaling releases the bonds that anxiety has on me. Journaling also releases my emotions. Before I held everything in. And that is not good.

So is the panic attack gone? I think so.I do feel better. 

To be continued…

I have a right to write. I have a right to do a lot of things. Some of those rights are just inherent while others I have earned. Basically I can do anything I want as long as it is legal. So what is going on with me today? Today has been an unusual day. I think a lot started last night when I was sleeping. I was having some very weird dreams. It dealt with everything from High School to my career in IT. The weird thing about it was that my dreams were causing a panic attack. I got up in the middle of the night wondering if I needed to take my meds. Now yes you could say I was having nightmares and I just woke up too fast and was too disoriented. This led to a panic of not knowing where I was and knowing if I was safe. But this was the first time I ever felt panic while I was sleeping.

I really wanted to write about this. But once again those memories are a distant faded past. I cannot recall any details. What if this happens again? Will they be the same dreams or different dreams? Will they induce a panic attack? Will I remember? 

The rest of the day is moving along smoothly. Well at least for me. There was some excitement last night. Some tears and some anger. It didn’t last all that long and it really didn’t concern me. All I know is that I had a perfectly great Sunday. It was a beautiful Fall day. Sunshine and warm temperatures. Perfect day to work outside and get those last outside tasks done before winter.

Everything was going smoothly.

One thing I did notice was every football and baseball game I watched on television did not end the way I expected. Let’s just say if I was a gambler, I would have lost my shirt and I would be eating beans and rice for the next month. Maybe I was just rooting for the underdog too much yesterday. But I love to root for the underdog. I love to be the underdog. 

The other thing too is now I am questioning if routines are allowed time off on the weekends. I mean Monday through Friday I am developing a routine which includes reading, writing, reflection and meditation. This is all experimental and I have been tweaking what I do and when I do it. But I didn’t do anything close to my routine on Sunday. I worked outside and then watched television. It got boring. I fell asleep watching television. I was bored. I should have been doing something else. I could have been doing something more with my routine.

Maybe this is what sparked those nightmares I had. Could I be punishing myself for doing something that wasn’t productive? Do I always need to be productive? What about all the outside tasks I did? I mean they are not part of my routine. Those tasks were something I set time to do. It wasn’t really freetime. If this was freetime I would have certainly been doing something more fun.

I think I am getting too much into the details. And accomplishments are accomplishments. It does not matter if it is part of a routine. I should be happy I got done with everything I did outside on Sunday.

I think what I am trying to say is that yes I do have a right to write. But I shouldn’t let that right consume me to a point that I put myself on guilt trips for not being at my computer writing blog posts every single day. It’s ok not to write or read or be creative. Sometimes you just need to put your imagination on hold. It’s ok.

To be continued…

Pastor Dzef takes you into a language adventure. Learn Polish and sing along with the Lupinska sisters at the Royal VFW. Use these words in your English conversations and eventually you will become bi-lingual. Practice along with the Royal community. Watch for upcoming Polish language summer camps, Polish story time at the Royal Library and the Kielbasa eating contest at the Lunch Box Cafe

Today’s Word: Proszę

Proszę (prohshze) – Please

Example:

Pass the salt, proszę.

Shut the hell up! Proszę!

Yesterday I received a package from an old friend I went to religion class with. Back then every Tuesday afternoon we would walk to Mary Queen of Heaven Church and sit for an hour with Sister Fatima and learn how to make ourselves better Catholic boys and girls.

In honor of Sister Fatima and all the nuns at Mary Queen of Heaven who had to put up with all our jokes and pranks . . . I present the following as suggestions to parents who have to deal with the everlasting energy of children:

Considerata — or what goes around, comes around.

Step gently over the legos and crayons and rest assured there is never enough toilet paper.

Speak clearly and directly. Accept the truth that your kid’s hearing is subjective and random.

Never compare your childhood to your kids. It is a vain and futile discussion.

Enjoy your accomplishments as well as your dreams.

Exercise caution with homework assignments, for your kid’s teachers know more than you. But let this not depress you. You are not the weakest link.

Be yourself. For you are heroes to your kids. Even after all the disagreements, they will come running to you when they are hurt.

Do not joke about boyfriends and girlfriends – nor be cynical about the gossip at recess. For it is as perennial as Parent/Teacher conferences.

Take kindly to growing old for your kids will remind you countless times. Gracefully surrender the things of your youth – free time, the phone . . . the car.

For whatever your dreams or aspirations in your life are, always remember you can freeze Girl Scout cookies.

I am the father of angels.
Not unlike the kid I was.
And whether or not I can open the door.
Your room is still a mess.

Therefore, be at peace with your kids — no matter how long they hog the bathroom.

Amid all the noise and confusion, their answer is always the same…

“I dont know.”

To be continued . . .

It was the knock out punch that did it. The next thing I remembered was all these strange people looking at me as I was fluttering my eyes open. They just stared in amazement. No one said a word. But I could hear a lot going on in my head. I was confused. I tried to sit up but the people held me down. The only message I could understand was a voice telling me to just lay down and wait for help to arrive.

I tried to turn my head from side to side to see where I was but the strangers standing around me blocked my view. And the pain in my neck was intense. So I just laid there looking upward into nothing. The strangers seem to be fading away. I felt like I was floating. Almost as if I was on a calm lake. I could feel the small ripples move under my body. I was moving. But to where I don’t know. All I knew was that I was content and happy. I smiled and closed my eyes and floated away.

The phone rang and it startled me. My eyes opened wide. I felt like I fell twenty feet smack into my office chair. I looked around. I was home. I was in my office. I still felt disoriented. I felt like I was torn away from someone or someplace. The phone was still ringing. I answered it. It was a reminder of an upcoming doctor’s appointment. I was angry and hung up on the pre recorded message.

What just happened? Was it a dream? I tried to recall all the details. I took some paper and jotted down some notes but my memory faded faster than I could write. All I could remember was floating on a lake and voices whispering in my head. I couldn’t remember what they said. All I remembered was that I was happy. Happy beyond any happiness I encountered in my lifetime.

And I wanted to go back. I really wanted to go back.

I decided to go for a walk. The cool fall air felt good. And the sunshine warmed my soul. I do love a nice autumn day. The leaves were changing color. The bright red maple leaves provided an amazing contrast to the drabness of some of the houses on the block. I kept walking. I tried to imagine the interior of each house I walked past. I know that sounds weird. I have talked with several of my neighbors and just said hi in passing to a few others as they were walking their dogs. From their personalities or just a gut feeling I had, I visualized what their homes looked like. Why was I thinking like this? I don’t know. Maybe I was justifying the way my house looked. Why would I have to justify that? My house is my house and the way I want it to look is nobody’s business but mine.

Wait what has this got to do with my experience? What has this got to do with my dream? Where was I and who were all those people looking at me? I stopped at the corner. I looked in both directions before crossing the street. I felt the breeze on my face and looked up at the sky and smiled.

It was the knock out punch that did it. The next thing I remembered was all these strange people looking at me as I was fluttering my eyes open. They just stared in amazement. No one said a word. But I could hear a lot going on in my head. I was confused. I tried to sit up but the people held me down. The only message I could understand was a voice telling me to just lay down and wait for help to arrive.

Then I heard the siren. I didn’t see the ambulance, but I did recognize the paramedics. I couldn’t move. I was on a backboard. I tried talking but was told to be quiet and that everything was all right. So I just laid there looking upward. The strangers seem to be fading away. I felt like I was floating. Almost as if I was on a calm lake. I could feel the small ripples move under my body. The ambulance door closed and I was headed to the emergency room. The next thing I remembered was waking up to the sound of a phone ringing.

To be continued…

Pastor Dzef takes you into a language adventure. Learn Polish and sing along with the Lupinska sisters at the Royal VFW. Use these words in your English conversations and eventually you will become bi-lingual. Practice along with the Royal community. Watch for upcoming Polish language summer camps, Polish story time at the Royal Library and the Kielbasa eating contest at the Lunch Box Cafe

Today’s Word: Cześć

Cześć (chesh) – Cześć is a casual greeting that’s commonly used to say “hi” or “bye” to friends and family.

Example:

Mark: Cześć Alice!

Alice: Cześć Mark! How are you?

Mark: I’m doing fine.

Alice: That’s good to hear Mark. Then I hope you don’t mind me telling you that I don’t appreciate you writing on the Men’s room wall at the Royal VFW – For a good time call Alice at BR5-6234. Drop Dead!!!  Cześć!

Mark: Cześć!

You could say we were destined to meet. I knew this day was coming. Slowly I could feel my sixth sense or my inner sense telling me to look for someone or something incredibly fantastic. Little did I know what I was getting into. And little did I know how much my brain would fight me.

I still can feel my brain telling me it is not worth it. I could be doing other things that would be much more fun. Remember all that we did a few months ago. You were so relaxed and content. Life was easy. Life was good. Your life is fine. There is no need to search for anything.

Yes those were the messages in my head. And I was listening to them. And even today I was listening to them. The voices were slowly creeping forward trying to take over my life again. And I almost let them win.

I made a mistake. I accepted what I did in the past was still ok in the present. But where I am at right now I don’t need to take a trip down memory lane. But I did. I justified this to myself. Or let’s just say the voices justified it for me. Telling me that it was ok for me to do the things that I once did. I could still do everything else. It will be ok.

But it won’t be ok. Those voices in my head are like weeds in a garden. They choke the life out of other plants. The voices were choking all the wonderful things I was doing. This week has been a pretty good week. I have been researching and writing. It is amazing how easy it is for the words to flow. When I write my head feels clear and centered. I haven’t felt this way in a long long time. And I like the feeling.

Instead of writing my thoughts and feelings I could be in a chat room looking for affirmation. That “ding” of a notification that someone wants to chat with me. I exist because I received a chat notification. That is so messed up 

I have said this in the past. I like being by myself but I don’t want to be alone. I do need the affirmation. Everyone needs to be recognized. I exist! I am here! Why is it so hard to talk with people? No that is not the question. Why do people leave me alone? 

Do I need a constant human connection? No. That would drive me crazy to have someone constantly with me. Someone who is always talking to me. Someone who has to be a part of everything I do everyday.

But where is the balance? I don’t have that yet. I crave attention. I am not like a spoiled two year old. And God forbid I am constantly the center of attraction. That would drive me up the wall. But I don’t want to be alone. 

And I am finding out that I am not ready for a relationship. I can’t share my life with someone. But isn’t that what I am looking for? Maybe it is not the sharing. Maybe I just can’t open up to someone. Maybe I don’t want to reveal who I am. Maybe I am afraid to reveal who I am. Maybe I don’t know who I am. 

Wow… I don’t know who I am. All these years I have been living a lie? That doesn’t sound right. If I have been living a lie and I was basically happy, then what was the trigger? What caused me to question my existence? 

To be continued…

As the sun set over the harbor, the lights of the city came on one by one. Wanda and I stood on the pier watching. It was an amazing sight to see. It was like the city was coming to life. The heartbeat of the city pushes the electrical power through the myriad of cables and wires. We both stood in awe as we watched.

Wanda was the first to speak. Her voice floated out into the atmosphere. “What is this all about?” she asked.

“I don’t understand.” I replied.

“Why are we here? Why do we exist? I don’t understand.” Wanda said in a frustrating tone.

“I exist because I am here. You exist because you are here.” I answered.

“I agree that I exist, but what’s the point of existence?” Wanda stated in a very straightforward way.

Wanda is not alone. There are many people in this world that exist but are unhappy with where they are. They think in the past and always question themselves “If only I could go back in time.”

Time is a constant that always moves forward. There are no second chances. You see and hear on the news of individuals who cheated death. And nine times out of ten you hear that they are given a second chance at life.

There are no second chances.  Time keeps moving forward. You keep moving forward. What you encountered in the past is just an event in time. You choose your path, You choose your destination. You choose who you are and what you do. The events you encounter along the path you choose are just that. They are events. You use them as you choose. They can be a learning event. Or the event could be a trigger of future events. That is your choice. That is your life.

Some people believe in predestination. That your whole life is determined prior to your birth. That you have no choice but to follow the path that was pre chosen for you.  And as much as you think you are changing your life,  you are actually following the path that was given to you.

Where is the fun in that? I mean I think I am getting better. I am trying to improve myself. But in all actuality this was all planned out for you.  This was your path to follow.

The same people believe in reincarnation. That is you just don’t go around once in life and that’s it. You have many past lives. And each life was predetermined. Each life was and currently is a lesson for you to learn and experience. And each experience gets you closer to your innermost self. Nirvana for lack of a better term. 

So in one life you were a mass murderer. In another life you were a gifted actor. In another life you were a simple middle class wage earner just trying to survive in this crazy world.

What’s the point then? If my life was predetermined, then I will just sit back and coast. What is the point of doing anything if that is what you were predetermined to do all along? Just let it happen. 

Just let it happen.

That sucks…

Sitting back and watching and waiting to see how it all acts out is just too depressing for me. I enjoy my life. I am totally enjoying rediscovering myself. If this is something I was predetermined to do, I don’t give a crap. Life is too short to just sit back and think of “What If?”. Life happens so just enjoy the ride. 

People say the world sucks these days. I don’t want to be around those people. I am seeing the world in a whole new light. My world is fantastic. It is fun and exciting. And I so look forward to each and every new day.

To be continued…

Seventh grade. The middle of middle school. One year away from supreme leadership (eighth grade) and no longer being hazed and harassed (sixth grade). It was kind of like middle child syndrome. Seventh graders were basically left alone to fend for themselves.

It was the Halloween dance at Mary Queen of Heaven school. It was decided by Sister Fatima and Father Bernard that the middle school should have some type of mixer. Something where the boys and girls would interact. Little did they know I would find my first girlfriend and my first love at the Halloween Dance.

Her name was Holly. Holly Kowalczyk. Her dad was the owner of Pinky’s bowling lanes and pizzeria. Holly was a loner. She was teased a lot by the other girls in seventh grade. Holly was very quiet and sort of a wallflower. She was very smart in school and the nuns would always compliment her and point out to the other seventh grade girls, “Why can’t you all be like Holly.”

That didn’t make her life any easier.

Holly was always under pressure to be the best at everything.

Costumes were required for this party. And my mom being good with a sewing machine planned on going all out. I had no say as to what I wanted for a costume. I would wear what my mom would create for me.

I was Gumby.

After looking at myself in costume I figure I could run away from home and work at a circus. I knew I could never go back to school again. Even the sixth graders would haze and harass me.

I was doomed.

After a gazillion photos and costume adjustments my parents drove me to the dance. My dad was not happy with the choice of costume and I think he understood how I felt. Before my parents left me at the school hall, my dad said “This too shall pass.” Whatever the heck that meant. And with that sage wisdom, my parents left.

Duck and cover. No this wasn’t an air raid practice. I needed to find a place to run and hide before I was spotted. The doorway to the classrooms was open. I made a mad dash down the hall. I found an open classroom and went in. It was dark. I kept the lights off. I figured if I kept quiet, I wouldn’t be found. It was perfect. No one would find me.

Then I heard someone crying. 

It was a girl.

Now what? Should I say something? Should I just keep quiet? I don’t think she knows I am here. But why is she crying? Why is she in the dark? Who is she?

My questions were answered with a flip of a light switch. I looked and saw Sister Catherine. This was her classroom. She stared at me with amazement. Maybe she has never seen a Gumby before. I turned to the left to see who it was that was crying.

It was Holly.

She was dressed as a bowling pin.

Before I could say anything we were both quickly escorted out of the classroom and into the school hall. There to my horror my parents were standing along with Holly’s parents and Father Bernard. 

Before anyone could say anything, Sister Catherine said, “I saw them walking up and down the hallway talking to each other. I told them to get back to the dance.”

I looked up at Sister Catherine and she gave me a wink. She had my back. Maybe she was a Gumby once too. From that day on I had total respect for Sister Catherine and would help her every time she asked.

“Why don’t you two go out there and dance”, said Father Bernard. I looked at Holly and she looked at me. Her hand kind of reached towards mine. My dad coughed and I looked at him. He motioned that I should take her hand. I did. We walked together onto the dance floor.

A Gumby and a Bowling Pin.

I noticed most of the girls dancing with other girls and the boys were all at one side standing and watching. I looked at Holly and we started dancing. It really wasn’t all that bad. Holly looked at me and smiled. I think this was the first time I ever saw her smile. I think she was having a good time. I know I was having a good time.

And then we heard Sister Fatima’s voice, “Why can’t you girls be like Holly and dance with a boy!”

I looked at Holly. I thought she might run away. But she didn’t. She smiled at me and held me closer and we danced the night away.

To be continued …

I never wanted to be President. I really never wanted to be much of anything. Anything important that is. I always felt at home being by myself and doing my own thing. I never really wanted anyone to take notice of me. I was happy and content in my little world. My own little world. My world of imagination and fun. I could be anything I wanted to be if I put my mind into it. And I did that a lot. I would daydream of being rich and famous. I would daydream of being a published author. I would daydream of accepting the academy award for best screenplay. Yes I did want people to notice me but I never wanted to be much of anything. I enjoyed sitting on a couch or chair and just looking and listening to all the people at a gathering. I would listen to their conversations and study their body language. But I would never participate. I would never want to express my thoughts and opinions. That would be too personal. That would be too close to who I am. And I really never wanted to be much of anything. 

My days would always start the same. I would get up around the same time every day. No sleeping in for me. I had my routine and I followed it faithfully. God forbid if I had to deviate. That would totally ruin my day. And then where would I be? I would be in limbo. I wouldn’t know what to do. I couldn’t be myself. I had to become someone else. Who would I become? I would panic and pace around the house. How dare my routine get interrupted. I wouldn’t know what to do or who to turn to. I never really wanted to be much of anything. And now here I am standing out there for all to see because my routine has been interrupted. 

Panic attacks are not much fun. And they are very real. It feels like your heart is pounding so fast that you feel it is going to explode through your chest. You feel light headed and clammy. Your breathing increases and your emotions go off the chart. First you’re angry and curse at everyone who has been a part of your life. Then you are sad. You cry because of all the lost connections. The friends that have come and gone. You ask yourself what if I did things differently. Where would I be? What would my life be like? Who would I be with? Who would I be?

But I never really wanted to be much of anything. All of this thinking is contrary to who you think you are now. And this conflict rattles throughout your head. And the panic increases. And then…

The voices start. They pick at your mind. They taunt you. They make you want to be something you are not. And something you do not want to be. You struggle to clear your mind. You start the breathing exercises you remembered the last time a panic attack happened. You pray for the voices to be still. You just wanted to be left alone. I never wanted to be much of anything. I just want to be left alone. Please leave me alone.

It is not working. The voices continue to hound you. What is wrong? Why can’t I be left alone? I never really wanted to be much of anything. 

But what if?

But what if I am supposed to be something. What if I am supposed to be doing more than just daydreaming?  Are these panic attacks just my thoughts screaming to get out of my head? Do I need to do more than daydream? It has been so long since I did something for people to read and share. How do I start? 

Wait, I have started. I have started by admitting that I need to do more. Wait, let me change that last sentence. I have started by admitting that I WANT to do more. There is a big difference between need and want. If you need to do something you still have the out of not doing it. If you want to do something, there is no out. You do it because you want to.

And I want to.

I want to get back to all that I have been dreaming about. 

I never wanted to be President. I just want to be me again.

To be continued…

A lot of people are afraid. Is the world coming to an end? Will I have a job on Monday morning? Will my kids be alright? What am I afraid of? My fear is simple: I am afraid to succeed. To go even further I am afraid to do what I want in my life. Yes I know I have been told you can’t do this or you can’t do that. Many of us have been told that. If you listen long enough to people who tell you that you can’t, you start getting an attitude that you can’t. I have been listening to the wrong people.

I have let others shape who I am. Now that I am on my own I am seeing that more clearly. And you what? I have wasted a bunch of years sitting back and doing what everyone else expects me to do. Now I am not going to go and be a hermit. I know I have responsibilities. I have bills to pay. I enjoy my life and I am blessed with all that I have.

But now it is my time.

It is now time for me to be the best possible version of myself.

It will take a bunch of small steps to get there. That is one huge lesson I have learned. You can set lofty goals. Nothing wrong with that. But set smaller goals to get you to that lofty goal. And celebrate those smaller goals. In time that lofty goal will be closer than you think.

Now it is up to you. What do you want to do? Who do you want to be? Go take a walk or quietly meditate. Write things down. Put an action plan together.

There is nothing to fear!

JUST DO IT!

To be continued …

Simple
Study that word for a few minutes. Let it sink in and meditate on it.

Simple
It is a very easy word. Not too hard to spell or pronounce. Only two syllables.

Simple
In our world today. In your world today, how simple is it? How would you define simple in our lifestyle. Is simple putting frozen food in the oven for an hour and serving dinner? Is simple following a set of instructions? Is simple a beautiful melody or poem?

Simple
Living a simple life. Is that even possible? With all that is thrown at us on daily basis, how can life be simple?

Simple
Reflect on these lyrics by Elder Johnson:
‘Tis the gift to be simple, ’tis the gift to be free
‘Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be,
And when we find ourselves in the place just right,
Twill be in the valley of love and delight.

When true simplicity is gained,
To bow and to bend we shan’t be ashamed,
To turn, turn will be our delight,
Till by turning, turning we come ’round right.

Simple
Simple is a balance. There are still responsibilities in your life. Simple is a balance. Progress is still important. Simple is a balance. The interaction of family and friends is all part of life. Simple is a balance.

Simple
Simple is as simple does. Think about that. There is no set of instructions on learning to be simple. There is no order form at the bottom of this page for a book on Ten Steps to a Simple Life. What you think simple is may be totally different from what others think. And that is OK!
That is the beauty of a simple life.

Simple
What is your simple life? How would you describe it? How would you live it? Think about it. But remember to keep it simple.

Pastor Dzeff was the associate pastor at Saint Helga’s Church, a non denominational church and the only church in Royal

Pastor Dzef grew up in southern Wisconsin. As a boy he was always the odd kid out. Dzef did not love sports or fishing or camping. Dzef was a bookworm and if you were looking for him, the first place to check was the public library.

Dzef had a love for animals and any stray animal he found he brought home to the family farm. After doing his chores he would care for his animals. He would set them free or find homes for them.

After high school, Dzef volunteered for the Peace Corp. He was sent to Central America where he worked with missionaries helping the poor, homeless and hungry. This is where and when Dzef discovered God. He knew what his calling and purpose of life was to be.

He entered the seminary and several years later was ordained a priest. His first assignment was as chaplain for the only active MASH unit in the VietNam war. He served there for about a year before returning home.

His next assignment was as associate pastor at the Church of the Holy Sepulcher in the northern suburbs of Milwaukee. The parish was very conservative and the parishioners came from well to do families. Father Dzef saw how the parish and school was trying to conform all the children into “Little Soldiers of Christ”. There was no chance of being an individual. Father Dzef was always at odds with the Pastor.

At a family reunion held in Royal one summer, Father Dzef attended service at Saint Helga’s. He felt so at peace listening to the Word of God. He enjoyed how all the families at the church participated in the service. God was calling Father Dzef. Royal was to be his new home.

Father Dzef talked with the Pastor and was offered the Associate Pastor position. Father Dzef accepted the position and was ordained Pastor Dzef. With church finances as they were, the position was unpaid and the new Associate Pastor Dzef needed to find a place to live. Pastor Dzef was able to find a job at a local restaurant called “The Lunch Stop”. He worked at the counter and in the kitchen. It was there where he was able to meet and talk with the families from Royal and from other small towns nearby. Pastor Dzef was able to rent a small apartment above the restaurant. It was there he wrote his Epistle to the People of Royal.

Pastor Dzef remained at Saint Helga’s until the church closed and is currently on a walkabout across the United States