Dear Shirley,
I am a 28 year old man in a predicament that sounds like a dream but has become a nightmare. I have been courting two wonderful young women for the past year. “Betty” and “Veronica” are both lovely, intelligent, and come from fine families.
The trouble is, Shirley, they are identical in every way that matters. They share my love for the outdoors. They both want a quiet life in the suburbs with three children. Our values regarding faith and finances are a perfect match. I get along with both of them famously. When I am with Betty, I think she is the one. When I am with Veronica, I am certain it is her.
I know I cannot keep this up forever without being a heel, and I am terrified that by choosing one, I will spend the rest of my life wondering if I made a mistake. Or worse, that I’ll lose both of them when they find out I’m playing double-dutch with their hearts. How does a man choose between two “perfect” women?
Archie
Dear Archie,
Pull up a chair and listen closely. You say these women are “perfect” and “identical,” but people aren’t carbon copies produced at the General Motors plant.
The reason you cannot choose is not because they are the same. It is because you are in love with the idea of marriage, but perhaps not uniquely in love with either woman. If one of them truly held the key to your heart, the other would have become a “dear friend” months ago.
By trying to keep both, you are being fair to neither. A woman’s time is her most precious commodity, and while you’re busy weighing Betty against Veronica like a pound of onions, you are keeping both from finding a man who has no doubts.
Here is your test: Imagine you wake up tomorrow and you are told that Betty has met another man and is engaged. If your first feeling is relief that the decision was made for you, then Betty isn’t the one. If your heart sinks into your shoes, then she is.
However, if you still can’t decide after that exercise, do them both a favor: Stop seeing both. Take a month of “bachelor’s solitude” with no phone calls and no Sunday drives. Distance has a way of clearing the eyes. You’ll soon find yourself missing one voice, one laugh, and one smile more than the other.
And if you find you don’t miss either of them? Then keep walking Buddy. You haven’t found “The One” yet. You’ve just found two bridesmaids.
Shirley
