I have a right to write. I have a right to do a lot of things. Some of those rights are just inherent while others I have earned. Basically I can do anything I want as long as it is legal. So what is going on with me today? Today has been an unusual day. I think a lot started last night when I was sleeping. I was having some very weird dreams. It dealt with everything from High School to my career in IT. The weird thing about it was that my dreams were causing a panic attack. I got up in the middle of the night wondering if I needed to take my meds. Now yes you could say I was having nightmares and I just woke up too fast and was too disoriented. This led to a panic of not knowing where I was and knowing if I was safe. But this was the first time I ever felt panic while I was sleeping.

I really wanted to write about this. But once again those memories are a distant faded past. I cannot recall any details. What if this happens again? Will they be the same dreams or different dreams? Will they induce a panic attack? Will I remember? 

The rest of the day is moving along smoothly. Well at least for me. There was some excitement last night. Some tears and some anger. It didn’t last all that long and it really didn’t concern me. All I know is that I had a perfectly great Sunday. It was a beautiful Fall day. Sunshine and warm temperatures. Perfect day to work outside and get those last outside tasks done before winter.

Everything was going smoothly.

One thing I did notice was every football and baseball game I watched on television did not end the way I expected. Let’s just say if I was a gambler, I would have lost my shirt and I would be eating beans and rice for the next month. Maybe I was just rooting for the underdog too much yesterday. But I love to root for the underdog. I love to be the underdog. 

The other thing too is now I am questioning if routines are allowed time off on the weekends. I mean Monday through Friday I am developing a routine which includes reading, writing, reflection and meditation. This is all experimental and I have been tweaking what I do and when I do it. But I didn’t do anything close to my routine on Sunday. I worked outside and then watched television. It got boring. I fell asleep watching television. I was bored. I should have been doing something else. I could have been doing something more with my routine.

Maybe this is what sparked those nightmares I had. Could I be punishing myself for doing something that wasn’t productive? Do I always need to be productive? What about all the outside tasks I did? I mean they are not part of my routine. Those tasks were something I set time to do. It wasn’t really freetime. If this was freetime I would have certainly been doing something more fun.

I think I am getting too much into the details. And accomplishments are accomplishments. It does not matter if it is part of a routine. I should be happy I got done with everything I did outside on Sunday.

I think what I am trying to say is that yes I do have a right to write. But I shouldn’t let that right consume me to a point that I put myself on guilt trips for not being at my computer writing blog posts every single day. It’s ok not to write or read or be creative. Sometimes you just need to put your imagination on hold. It’s ok.

To be continued…