You could say we were destined to meet. I knew this day was coming. Slowly I could feel my sixth sense or my inner sense telling me to look for someone or something incredibly fantastic. Little did I know what I was getting into. And little did I know how much my brain would fight me.

I still can feel my brain telling me it is not worth it. I could be doing other things that would be much more fun. Remember all that we did a few months ago. You were so relaxed and content. Life was easy. Life was good. Your life is fine. There is no need to search for anything.

Yes those were the messages in my head. And I was listening to them. And even today I was listening to them. The voices were slowly creeping forward trying to take over my life again. And I almost let them win.

I made a mistake. I accepted what I did in the past was still ok in the present. But where I am at right now I don’t need to take a trip down memory lane. But I did. I justified this to myself. Or let’s just say the voices justified it for me. Telling me that it was ok for me to do the things that I once did. I could still do everything else. It will be ok.

But it won’t be ok. Those voices in my head are like weeds in a garden. They choke the life out of other plants. The voices were choking all the wonderful things I was doing. This week has been a pretty good week. I have been researching and writing. It is amazing how easy it is for the words to flow. When I write my head feels clear and centered. I haven’t felt this way in a long long time. And I like the feeling.

Instead of writing my thoughts and feelings I could be in a chat room looking for affirmation. That “ding” of a notification that someone wants to chat with me. I exist because I received a chat notification. That is so messed up 

I have said this in the past. I like being by myself but I don’t want to be alone. I do need the affirmation. Everyone needs to be recognized. I exist! I am here! Why is it so hard to talk with people? No that is not the question. Why do people leave me alone? 

Do I need a constant human connection? No. That would drive me crazy to have someone constantly with me. Someone who is always talking to me. Someone who has to be a part of everything I do everyday.

But where is the balance? I don’t have that yet. I crave attention. I am not like a spoiled two year old. And God forbid I am constantly the center of attraction. That would drive me up the wall. But I don’t want to be alone. 

And I am finding out that I am not ready for a relationship. I can’t share my life with someone. But isn’t that what I am looking for? Maybe it is not the sharing. Maybe I just can’t open up to someone. Maybe I don’t want to reveal who I am. Maybe I am afraid to reveal who I am. Maybe I don’t know who I am. 

Wow… I don’t know who I am. All these years I have been living a lie? That doesn’t sound right. If I have been living a lie and I was basically happy, then what was the trigger? What caused me to question my existence? 

To be continued…

As the sun set over the harbor, the lights of the city came on one by one. Wanda and I stood on the pier watching. It was an amazing sight to see. It was like the city was coming to life. The heartbeat of the city pushes the electrical power through the myriad of cables and wires. We both stood in awe as we watched.

Wanda was the first to speak. Her voice floated out into the atmosphere. “What is this all about?” she asked.

“I don’t understand.” I replied.

“Why are we here? Why do we exist? I don’t understand.” Wanda said in a frustrating tone.

“I exist because I am here. You exist because you are here.” I answered.

“I agree that I exist, but what’s the point of existence?” Wanda stated in a very straightforward way.

Wanda is not alone. There are many people in this world that exist but are unhappy with where they are. They think in the past and always question themselves “If only I could go back in time.”

Time is a constant that always moves forward. There are no second chances. You see and hear on the news of individuals who cheated death. And nine times out of ten you hear that they are given a second chance at life.

There are no second chances.  Time keeps moving forward. You keep moving forward. What you encountered in the past is just an event in time. You choose your path, You choose your destination. You choose who you are and what you do. The events you encounter along the path you choose are just that. They are events. You use them as you choose. They can be a learning event. Or the event could be a trigger of future events. That is your choice. That is your life.

Some people believe in predestination. That your whole life is determined prior to your birth. That you have no choice but to follow the path that was pre chosen for you.  And as much as you think you are changing your life,  you are actually following the path that was given to you.

Where is the fun in that? I mean I think I am getting better. I am trying to improve myself. But in all actuality this was all planned out for you.  This was your path to follow.

The same people believe in reincarnation. That is you just don’t go around once in life and that’s it. You have many past lives. And each life was predetermined. Each life was and currently is a lesson for you to learn and experience. And each experience gets you closer to your innermost self. Nirvana for lack of a better term. 

So in one life you were a mass murderer. In another life you were a gifted actor. In another life you were a simple middle class wage earner just trying to survive in this crazy world.

What’s the point then? If my life was predetermined, then I will just sit back and coast. What is the point of doing anything if that is what you were predetermined to do all along? Just let it happen. 

Just let it happen.

That sucks…

Sitting back and watching and waiting to see how it all acts out is just too depressing for me. I enjoy my life. I am totally enjoying rediscovering myself. If this is something I was predetermined to do, I don’t give a crap. Life is too short to just sit back and think of “What If?”. Life happens so just enjoy the ride. 

People say the world sucks these days. I don’t want to be around those people. I am seeing the world in a whole new light. My world is fantastic. It is fun and exciting. And I so look forward to each and every new day.

To be continued…

Seventh grade. The middle of middle school. One year away from supreme leadership (eighth grade) and no longer being hazed and harassed (sixth grade). It was kind of like middle child syndrome. Seventh graders were basically left alone to fend for themselves.

It was the Halloween dance at Mary Queen of Heaven school. It was decided by Sister Fatima and Father Bernard that the middle school should have some type of mixer. Something where the boys and girls would interact. Little did they know I would find my first girlfriend and my first love at the Halloween Dance.

Her name was Holly. Holly Kowalczyk. Her dad was the owner of Pinky’s bowling lanes and pizzeria. Holly was a loner. She was teased a lot by the other girls in seventh grade. Holly was very quiet and sort of a wallflower. She was very smart in school and the nuns would always compliment her and point out to the other seventh grade girls, “Why can’t you all be like Holly.”

That didn’t make her life any easier.

Holly was always under pressure to be the best at everything.

Costumes were required for this party. And my mom being good with a sewing machine planned on going all out. I had no say as to what I wanted for a costume. I would wear what my mom would create for me.

I was Gumby.

After looking at myself in costume I figure I could run away from home and work at a circus. I knew I could never go back to school again. Even the sixth graders would haze and harass me.

I was doomed.

After a gazillion photos and costume adjustments my parents drove me to the dance. My dad was not happy with the choice of costume and I think he understood how I felt. Before my parents left me at the school hall, my dad said “This too shall pass.” Whatever the heck that meant. And with that sage wisdom, my parents left.

Duck and cover. No this wasn’t an air raid practice. I needed to find a place to run and hide before I was spotted. The doorway to the classrooms was open. I made a mad dash down the hall. I found an open classroom and went in. It was dark. I kept the lights off. I figured if I kept quiet, I wouldn’t be found. It was perfect. No one would find me.

Then I heard someone crying. 

It was a girl.

Now what? Should I say something? Should I just keep quiet? I don’t think she knows I am here. But why is she crying? Why is she in the dark? Who is she?

My questions were answered with a flip of a light switch. I looked and saw Sister Catherine. This was her classroom. She stared at me with amazement. Maybe she has never seen a Gumby before. I turned to the left to see who it was that was crying.

It was Holly.

She was dressed as a bowling pin.

Before I could say anything we were both quickly escorted out of the classroom and into the school hall. There to my horror my parents were standing along with Holly’s parents and Father Bernard. 

Before anyone could say anything, Sister Catherine said, “I saw them walking up and down the hallway talking to each other. I told them to get back to the dance.”

I looked up at Sister Catherine and she gave me a wink. She had my back. Maybe she was a Gumby once too. From that day on I had total respect for Sister Catherine and would help her every time she asked.

“Why don’t you two go out there and dance”, said Father Bernard. I looked at Holly and she looked at me. Her hand kind of reached towards mine. My dad coughed and I looked at him. He motioned that I should take her hand. I did. We walked together onto the dance floor.

A Gumby and a Bowling Pin.

I noticed most of the girls dancing with other girls and the boys were all at one side standing and watching. I looked at Holly and we started dancing. It really wasn’t all that bad. Holly looked at me and smiled. I think this was the first time I ever saw her smile. I think she was having a good time. I know I was having a good time.

And then we heard Sister Fatima’s voice, “Why can’t you girls be like Holly and dance with a boy!”

I looked at Holly. I thought she might run away. But she didn’t. She smiled at me and held me closer and we danced the night away.

To be continued …

I never wanted to be President. I really never wanted to be much of anything. Anything important that is. I always felt at home being by myself and doing my own thing. I never really wanted anyone to take notice of me. I was happy and content in my little world. My own little world. My world of imagination and fun. I could be anything I wanted to be if I put my mind into it. And I did that a lot. I would daydream of being rich and famous. I would daydream of being a published author. I would daydream of accepting the academy award for best screenplay. Yes I did want people to notice me but I never wanted to be much of anything. I enjoyed sitting on a couch or chair and just looking and listening to all the people at a gathering. I would listen to their conversations and study their body language. But I would never participate. I would never want to express my thoughts and opinions. That would be too personal. That would be too close to who I am. And I really never wanted to be much of anything. 

My days would always start the same. I would get up around the same time every day. No sleeping in for me. I had my routine and I followed it faithfully. God forbid if I had to deviate. That would totally ruin my day. And then where would I be? I would be in limbo. I wouldn’t know what to do. I couldn’t be myself. I had to become someone else. Who would I become? I would panic and pace around the house. How dare my routine get interrupted. I wouldn’t know what to do or who to turn to. I never really wanted to be much of anything. And now here I am standing out there for all to see because my routine has been interrupted. 

Panic attacks are not much fun. And they are very real. It feels like your heart is pounding so fast that you feel it is going to explode through your chest. You feel light headed and clammy. Your breathing increases and your emotions go off the chart. First you’re angry and curse at everyone who has been a part of your life. Then you are sad. You cry because of all the lost connections. The friends that have come and gone. You ask yourself what if I did things differently. Where would I be? What would my life be like? Who would I be with? Who would I be?

But I never really wanted to be much of anything. All of this thinking is contrary to who you think you are now. And this conflict rattles throughout your head. And the panic increases. And then…

The voices start. They pick at your mind. They taunt you. They make you want to be something you are not. And something you do not want to be. You struggle to clear your mind. You start the breathing exercises you remembered the last time a panic attack happened. You pray for the voices to be still. You just wanted to be left alone. I never wanted to be much of anything. I just want to be left alone. Please leave me alone.

It is not working. The voices continue to hound you. What is wrong? Why can’t I be left alone? I never really wanted to be much of anything. 

But what if?

But what if I am supposed to be something. What if I am supposed to be doing more than just daydreaming?  Are these panic attacks just my thoughts screaming to get out of my head? Do I need to do more than daydream? It has been so long since I did something for people to read and share. How do I start? 

Wait, I have started. I have started by admitting that I need to do more. Wait, let me change that last sentence. I have started by admitting that I WANT to do more. There is a big difference between need and want. If you need to do something you still have the out of not doing it. If you want to do something, there is no out. You do it because you want to.

And I want to.

I want to get back to all that I have been dreaming about. 

I never wanted to be President. I just want to be me again.

To be continued…

A lot of people are afraid. Is the world coming to an end? Will I have a job on Monday morning? Will my kids be alright? What am I afraid of? My fear is simple: I am afraid to succeed. To go even further I am afraid to do what I want in my life. Yes I know I have been told you can’t do this or you can’t do that. Many of us have been told that. If you listen long enough to people who tell you that you can’t, you start getting an attitude that you can’t. I have been listening to the wrong people.

I have let others shape who I am. Now that I am on my own I am seeing that more clearly. And you what? I have wasted a bunch of years sitting back and doing what everyone else expects me to do. Now I am not going to go and be a hermit. I know I have responsibilities. I have bills to pay. I enjoy my life and I am blessed with all that I have.

But now it is my time.

It is now time for me to be the best possible version of myself.

It will take a bunch of small steps to get there. That is one huge lesson I have learned. You can set lofty goals. Nothing wrong with that. But set smaller goals to get you to that lofty goal. And celebrate those smaller goals. In time that lofty goal will be closer than you think.

Now it is up to you. What do you want to do? Who do you want to be? Go take a walk or quietly meditate. Write things down. Put an action plan together.

There is nothing to fear!

JUST DO IT!

To be continued …

Simple
Study that word for a few minutes. Let it sink in and meditate on it.

Simple
It is a very easy word. Not too hard to spell or pronounce. Only two syllables.

Simple
In our world today. In your world today, how simple is it? How would you define simple in our lifestyle. Is simple putting frozen food in the oven for an hour and serving dinner? Is simple following a set of instructions? Is simple a beautiful melody or poem?

Simple
Living a simple life. Is that even possible? With all that is thrown at us on daily basis, how can life be simple?

Simple
Reflect on these lyrics by Elder Johnson:
‘Tis the gift to be simple, ’tis the gift to be free
‘Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be,
And when we find ourselves in the place just right,
Twill be in the valley of love and delight.

When true simplicity is gained,
To bow and to bend we shan’t be ashamed,
To turn, turn will be our delight,
Till by turning, turning we come ’round right.

Simple
Simple is a balance. There are still responsibilities in your life. Simple is a balance. Progress is still important. Simple is a balance. The interaction of family and friends is all part of life. Simple is a balance.

Simple
Simple is as simple does. Think about that. There is no set of instructions on learning to be simple. There is no order form at the bottom of this page for a book on Ten Steps to a Simple Life. What you think simple is may be totally different from what others think. And that is OK!
That is the beauty of a simple life.

Simple
What is your simple life? How would you describe it? How would you live it? Think about it. But remember to keep it simple.