Existential Angst and the Exploding Bagel Scene 1
Setting: A cramped, cluttered dorm room at the University of Wisconsin – Milwaukee, 1977. Posters of Ingmar Bergman and Bob Dylan compete for wall space.
Characters:
- JEFF (O.S.): (Narrator)
- LEONARD: (Intellectual, neurotic, wears thick glasses)
- STANLEY: (Obsessed with Hollywood, prone to grand pronouncements)
- MARVIN: (Quiet, sarcastic, perpetually unimpressed)
- DEBORAH: (Earnest, idealistic, trying to keep the group on track)
- CYNTHIA: (World-weary, chain-smokes imaginary cigarettes)
(SCENE START)
JEFF (O.S.): The late seventies. A time of disco, disillusionment, and for five hapless souls crammed into a dorm room that smelled faintly of stale coffee and unfulfilled potential, the daunting task of collaborative screenwriting. They were, as a collective, a walking film waiting to happen.
LEONARD: (Tapping a pen nervously) So, we were at the protagonist’s existential crisis, right? He’s just discovered that his pet goldfish, Bartholomew, believes himself to be Nietzsche reincarnated.
STANLEY: (Grandly) Leonard, darling, this is cinema! We need stakes! Bartholomew can’t just believe he’s Nietzsche. He has to act like Nietzsche! Imagine, a goldfish delivering pronouncements on the will to power! We’ll get Brando for the voiceover!
MARVIN: (Dryly) Brando’s probably busy arguing with his agent about the proper way to eat a sea cucumber.
DEBORAH: (Trying to sound positive) Okay, okay. Let’s not get sidetracked. The core of our story is about alienation in a post-industrial society, seen through the… unique… lens of a philosophical goldfish.
CYNTHIA: (Exhaling an imaginary plume of smoke) It’s all meaningless anyway. We’re all just fleeting moments in the vast, uncaring cosmos. Might as well have the goldfish join a punk band.
LEONARD: But the symbolism! The crushing weight of existence reflected in Bartholomew’s tiny, watery eyes!
STANLEY: Symbolism sells art-house tickets, Leonard. Explosions sell popcorn! We need a scene where Bartholomew, in a fit of nihilistic rage, blows up the fish tank!
MARVIN: How exactly does a goldfish blow up a fish tank? Does he swallow a tiny stick of dynamite?
DEBORAH: Maybe it’s a metaphor! For the protagonist’s inner turmoil!
CYNTHIA: Or maybe the goldfish just gets tired of the water. I know I am.
LEONARD: I was thinking more along the lines of Bartholomew having a profound dream sequence where he debates Schopenhauer.
STANLEY: Dream sequences are boring! Unless there are laser beams! Bartholomew could have laser eyes! He’s a super-Nietzsche-goldfish!
MARVIN: We’re supposed to be writing a serious screenplay, not a Saturday morning cartoon.
DEBORAH: Can we at least agree on the protagonist’s motivation? He’s… he’s feeling lost, right? Like he doesn’t fit in?
CYNTHIA: Join the club, sister.
LEONARD: Perhaps his alienation stems from the fact that he’s the only one who can understand Bartholomew’s philosophical pronouncements. He’s trapped in a world of philistines who just see a… fish.
STANLEY: That’s too subtle! What if he’s being chased by a shadowy organization that wants to weaponize Bartholomew’s intellect? Think James Bond meets… Jacques Cousteau!
MARVIN: I’m starting to think Bartholomew should just swim away. End of movie. Everyone goes home.
DEBORAH: No, no, we need a resolution! A moment of catharsis! Maybe the protagonist finally accepts Bartholomew for who he is, Nietzschean tendencies and all.
CYNTHIA: Or maybe Bartholomew realizes the futility of philosophy and just wants a bigger tank.
LEONARD: But the intellectual journey! The exploration of free will versus determinism!
STANLEY: We can have a car chase! With the protagonist and Bartholomew – in a little water-filled contraption – being pursued by black helicopters!
(SFX: Clatter of typewriter increases, then stops abruptly)
MARVIN: I’ve got it. The protagonist is making himself a bagel. He’s feeling particularly angst-ridden. He puts it in the toaster oven…
DEBORAH: Okay…
MARVIN: …but he forgets to take out the foil-wrapped cream cheese he’d stashed inside for later.
(SFX: A loud, unexpected POP followed by a splattering sound)
LEONARD: What was that?!
STANLEY: Did the goldfish finally achieve sentience and detonate?
CYNTHIA: Sounds like reality intruding on our pathetic little drama.
(SFX: Muffled groans)
DEBORAH: Marvin, what happened?
MARVIN: (Deadpan) The existential crisis just got a little… messy. Seems my bagel experienced its own form of explosive disillusionment.
LEONARD: (Sighs dramatically) Even inanimate objects are rebelling against the absurdity of existence.
STANLEY: This is brilliant! We can incorporate this! The exploding bagel is a metaphor for… for… the sudden, chaotic nature of truth!
CYNTHIA: Or maybe it just means Marvin shouldn’t try to toast cream cheese.
DEBORAH: (Wearily) Can we please just go back to Bartholomew?
LEONARD: Perhaps the exploding bagel is Bartholomew’s subconscious cry for help! He’s overwhelmed by the weight of Nietzsche’s philosophy!
STANLEY: We need slow-motion footage of the bagel exploding! With dramatic music!
MARVIN: I just need a sponge.
JEFF (O.S.): And so it went. Five college students, trapped in the amber of their own intellectual pretension, wrestling with grand ideas and exploding breakfast foods. The screenplay, much like their futures, remained a nebulous, slightly sticky mess. But in that cramped dorm room, amidst the angst and the bagel shrapnel, they were, for a brief, fleeting moment, artists. Or at least, they smelled like they were trying to be.
(SCENE END)
WRYL – The Voice of the Great Up North
